. English Composition It was a good day in class. All the students were paying close attention in class except for one person. His name was Colmun. He had been warned many times, but, he still could not stop his habit. He just liked to make fun of his teachers and was always advised to stop it. Today, unfortunately, was not an exceptional. He had been told to stop it by his really good friend, Shain, as he did not want his friend to be in trouble. “Ring…Ring…” the bell rang as the recess started for the day. Colmun then said, “Yes!!!!!” while screaming and running out of the class. It was Sports Day, and the periods after recess was taken over by some sports competition. Colmun took part in the soccer component, being a very avid and skilled soccer player. He rushed down with his best friend Shain as they both were participating in Soccer. Colmun was not playing so well but Shain kept on encouraging and told him to look on the bright side as he would play better later. Soon, Colmun played better and Shain felt happy too. The finals came and Colmun’s team was in it. Shain did not play and sat down to watch and cheer for his teammates as the coach thought that his skills were not so good. Colmun reluctantly let him get off field. As Colmun started to play, Shain kept on cheering. Soon, the score was 2-2. When it came down to penalties, Colmun was the last one and the team’s fate was on him. He ran for the ball and … scored! The whole team celebrated and the two best friends bear hugged. Through this competition, their relationship became closer… The next day, Colmun brought invitation cards for his birthday party and gave it to everyone in class, even the person he detested, Boon Howy, and his gang, Macchew and Treevor. Macchew and Treevor actually do not really want to follow Boon Howy but Boon Howy had something that the duo was hiding from other people. Colmun had wanted to invite Boon Howy there, to show that actually he did not really hate Boon Howy that much and wanted to be friends with him. Boon Howy was quite shocked by his generosity and surprised at why he had invited his “enemy” there? He thought that Colmun was trying to humiliate him them. However, Boon Howy looked happy and smirked as he received his invitation. As if he had a plan… The days before going to the birthday party, Boon Howy and his gang met up almost daily as if they were doing a project or thinking of an idea. Bertrund was really curious at what they were doing but did not bother in doing anything. When he was in the toilet one day, he suddenly heard the gang of people discussing. They were discussing something in the toilet, Bertrund thought. He shrugged at the thought of his good friend, Colmun be covered in paint!! On the day of Colmun’s birthday party, Shain was there very early to help out in preparing the party. When the guests came, Shain welcomed them politely, along with Colmun. Colmun was approached by Bertrund as he came in, looking very worried. Bertrund brought Colmun to a room and told Colmun, “There is something urgent that I must tell you. Boon Howy is planning to do something embarrassing and evil to you. Let me tell you his plan: Bring paint and pour it on Colmun, making him so embarrassed as it is his birthday.” Colmun was not quite sure but Shain told him that Bertrund could be trusted and Colmun also decided that it was better to be safe than sorry. They started to think of ideas of how to prevent the incident of happening. Soon, they came up with a perfect plan. They decided to embarrass the gang instead of having them humiliate Colmun. There was also Plan B. Firstly, they would catch the boys red-handed when they come in. If they deny about the paint, there would always be a Plan B. Plan B was to prevent the boys from coming near to Colmun by having Bertrund and Shain as the “bodyguards”. By then, they would be in trouble. Colmun started thinking, why has Boon Howy hated me for so long and why is he doing such a mean and nasty thing to me? Soon, he remembered the incident that happened 2 years ago, Colmun and Boon Howy had been in the same class. Colmun had accidentally broken the necklace that Boon Howy’s late mother had left for him. Since then, Boon Howy had been planning to play tricks on Colmun. As Boon Howy and his gang came in together, Colmun was very cautious and also felt a little angry. They checked the gang’s belongings but were denied by the boys, saying that it was going to be a surprise for Colmun. What a surprise it was after all. Although he was actually very angry, he did show it as it was his birthday. Being angry would not be good. Soon they had decided to strike. They took out the paint from the “so-called containing present” bag and they walked towards Colmun but to no avail. They rushed too much and were very hurried. They banged into Bertrund and Shain who were blocking them from Colmun, pouring all the paint on the boys. The two friends had been expecting this moment for a long time. They exclaimed, “What are you doing?” As the gang looked dumbfounded, some of the friends called the parents of Bertrund and Shain. The parents of the gang and the “bodyguards” scolded the gang of people for wetting other people with paint just for the sake of playing. The gang punishment was punished severely. They apologized to Bertrund, Shain, and Colmun for their bad deeds and they became friends.
Comment I:
Great story, great plot, but I'm not very sure how relevant the introduction to the story, with the soccer competition, is to the main thing. Are Macchew and Treevor really necessary? It seems like all they do is follow Boon Howy. -Gavin Jared Bala
comment by sheng yeow:
why did boon howy and macchew and treevor become friends? i know they were punished but it doesn't seem too believable. boon howy has been holding a grudge for 2 years now
comment 2 by sheng yeow:
i think the first part was not so relevant.maybe you should change it to the scene were the necklace was broken.also, macchew and treevor aren't really necessary because they follow boon howy, but maybe i'm wrong because i guess boon howy needs to plan with someone, still spilling paint is probably what one small boy comes up with. i'm just saying that
it is a little too simple to be what 3 "evil geniuses" come up with for a prank.
comment 3 by shengsheng:
there were some mistakes like"Colmun be covered in paint", it should be being.and"the gang punishment was punished severely".
Comment by Yu Tse:
I think the soccer match was a very good place to develop Colmun and Shain's closeness, but maybe you can try to focus more on the story. You can try to link the match to the party, or choose the party to develop their closeness.
Comment 2 by Yu Tse:
Maybe you can try to hint Bertrund and Shain and Colmun's closeness, especially Bertrund with the others, so that they were willing to be sprayed over the paint.
Comment by Tianyi:
I think that the story ended too abruptly
Comment 2 by Tianyi:
Why would Boon Howy want too meet in the toilet? Wouldn't the teacher suspect when they go everyday? Maybe you can say that they met during recess in a very remote corner in school.
Dan(temariloverdan) Mine's in the toilet too -- Δανιελ -- who doesn't like greek?
Comment by Collin:
in line 3 on paragraph 1, you mentioned that "today, unfortunately, was not an exceptional", however i think that it should be instead "today, unfortunately, was not an exception."
Comments by Cheng Yuan:
It think it should be exception and not exceptional in the first paragraph and should it be people and not person in paragraph 4?
English Composition
It was a good day in class. All the students were paying close attention in class except for one person. His name was Colmun. He had been warned many times, but, he still could not stop his habit. He just liked to make fun of his teachers and was always advised to stop it. Today, unfortunately, was not an exceptional. He had been told to stop it by his really good friend, Shain, as he did not want his friend to be in trouble.
“Ring…Ring…” the bell rang as the recess started for the day. Colmun then said, “Yes!!!!!” while screaming and running out of the class. It was Sports Day, and the periods after recess was taken over by some sports competition. Colmun took part in the soccer component, being a very avid and skilled soccer player. He rushed down with his best friend Shain as they both were participating in Soccer.
Colmun was not playing so well but Shain kept on encouraging and told him to look on the bright side as he would play better later.
Soon, Colmun played better and Shain felt happy too. The finals came and Colmun’s team was in it. Shain did not play and sat down to watch and cheer for his teammates as the coach thought that his skills were not so good. Colmun reluctantly let him get off field. As Colmun started to play, Shain kept on cheering.
Soon, the score was 2-2. When it came down to penalties, Colmun was the last one and the team’s fate was on him. He ran for the ball and … scored! The whole team celebrated and the two best friends bear hugged. Through this competition, their relationship became closer…
The next day, Colmun brought invitation cards for his birthday party and gave it to everyone in class, even the person he detested, Boon Howy, and his gang, Macchew and Treevor. Macchew and Treevor actually do not really want to follow Boon Howy but Boon Howy had something that the duo was hiding from other people. Colmun had wanted to invite Boon Howy there, to show that actually he did not really hate Boon Howy that much and wanted to be friends with him.
Boon Howy was quite shocked by his generosity and surprised at why he had invited his “enemy” there? He thought that Colmun was trying to humiliate him them. However, Boon Howy looked happy and smirked as he received his invitation. As if he had a plan…
The days before going to the birthday party, Boon Howy and his gang met up almost daily as if they were doing a project or thinking of an idea. Bertrund was really curious at what they were doing but did not bother in doing anything. When he was in the toilet one day, he suddenly heard the gang of people discussing. They were discussing something in the toilet, Bertrund thought. He shrugged at the thought of his good friend, Colmun be covered in paint!!
On the day of Colmun’s birthday party, Shain was there very early to help out in preparing the party. When the guests came, Shain welcomed them politely, along with Colmun. Colmun was approached by Bertrund as he came in, looking very worried. Bertrund brought Colmun to a room and told Colmun, “There is something urgent that I must tell you. Boon Howy is planning to do something embarrassing and evil to you. Let me tell you his plan: Bring paint and pour it on Colmun, making him so embarrassed as it is his birthday.” Colmun was not quite sure but Shain told him that Bertrund could be trusted and Colmun also decided that it was better to be safe than sorry.
They started to think of ideas of how to prevent the incident of happening. Soon, they came up with a perfect plan. They decided to embarrass the gang instead of having them humiliate Colmun. There was also Plan B. Firstly, they would catch the boys red-handed when they come in. If they deny about the paint, there would always be a Plan B. Plan B was to prevent the boys from coming near to Colmun by having Bertrund and Shain as the “bodyguards”. By then, they would be in trouble.
Colmun started thinking, why has Boon Howy hated me for so long and why is he doing such a mean and nasty thing to me? Soon, he remembered the incident that happened 2 years ago, Colmun and Boon Howy had been in the same class. Colmun had accidentally broken the necklace that Boon Howy’s late mother had left for him. Since then, Boon Howy had been planning to play tricks on Colmun.
As Boon Howy and his gang came in together, Colmun was very cautious and also felt a little angry. They checked the gang’s belongings but were denied by the boys, saying that it was going to be a surprise for Colmun. What a surprise it was after all. Although he was actually very angry, he did show it as it was his birthday. Being angry would not be good. Soon they had decided to strike. They took out the paint from the “so-called containing present” bag and they walked towards Colmun but to no avail.
They rushed too much and were very hurried. They banged into Bertrund and Shain who were blocking them from Colmun, pouring all the paint on the boys. The two friends had been expecting this moment for a long time. They exclaimed, “What are you doing?” As the gang looked dumbfounded, some of the friends called the parents of Bertrund and Shain. The parents of the gang and the “bodyguards” scolded the gang of people for wetting other people with paint just for the sake of playing. The gang punishment was punished severely. They apologized to Bertrund, Shain, and Colmun for their bad deeds and they became friends.
Comment I:
Great story, great plot, but I'm not very sure how relevant the introduction to the story, with the soccer competition, is to the main thing. Are Macchew and Treevor really necessary? It seems like all they do is follow Boon Howy. -Gavin Jared Bala
comment by sheng yeow:
why did boon howy and macchew and treevor become friends? i know they were punished but it doesn't seem too believable. boon howy has been holding a grudge for 2 years now
comment 2 by sheng yeow:
i think the first part was not so relevant.maybe you should change it to the scene were the necklace was broken.also, macchew and treevor aren't really necessary because they follow boon howy, but maybe i'm wrong because i guess boon howy needs to plan with someone, still spilling paint is probably what one small boy comes up with. i'm just saying that
it is a little too simple to be what 3 "evil geniuses" come up with for a prank.
comment 3 by shengsheng:
there were some mistakes like"Colmun be covered in paint", it should be being.and"the gang punishment was punished severely".
Comment by Yu Tse:
I think the soccer match was a very good place to develop Colmun and Shain's closeness, but maybe you can try to focus more on the story. You can try to link the match to the party, or choose the party to develop their closeness.
Comment 2 by Yu Tse:
Maybe you can try to hint Bertrund and Shain and Colmun's closeness, especially Bertrund with the others, so that they were willing to be sprayed over the paint.
Comment by Tianyi:
I think that the story ended too abruptly
Comment 2 by Tianyi:
Why would Boon Howy want too meet in the toilet? Wouldn't the teacher suspect when they go everyday? Maybe you can say that they met during recess in a very remote corner in school.
Dan(temariloverdan) Mine's in the toilet too -- Δανιελ -- who doesn't like greek?
Comment by Collin:
in line 3 on paragraph 1, you mentioned that "today, unfortunately, was not an exceptional", however i think that it should be instead "today, unfortunately, was not an exception."
Comments by Cheng Yuan:
It think it should be exception and not exceptional in the first paragraph and should it be people and not person in paragraph 4?